10 Random Thoughts

1. Can't believe I had to turn the A/C on last night when I went to bed. I couldn't sleep without it. I tried opening the door from my bedroom to the patio, but it was still too warm to sleep.

2. Why is it cloudy? Cloudy equals bad.Cloudy equals S.A.D.

3. Happiness is a habit that must be practiced for those of us who are not used to being happy. I think some people are just too deep for our own happiness. Unless we are taught at an early age how to deal with that depth, with the sorrows and fears and pain that come with feelings of empathy and sympathy and just complete and total inner and outer awareness, we are suffocated by the negative emotions. No fault of ours or anybody else. It's not about outside forces, really. Outside forces that make us unhappy can pretty much be changed. And if they can't, we can usually find a way to deal with it. Sometimes we deal with it in negative ways - through drugs, destructive relationships, over-eating, over-drinking, over-sexing, over-working, excessive everything. But there are better, healthier ways, like therapy and tapping into our Higher-Power-of-choice. Now if we're fortunate enough later in life to figure it all out and to learn how to recognize and accept happiness when we feel it, then I believe we have the potential to become the most effective, loving, influential people on the face of the earth. In some ways, I do have it all figured out, for myself. But I'm still working on making it a habit. I still have trouble recognizing happiness when it rubs my back and buys me dinner.

4. True Confession: I want to be in love. Being in love feels good and being loved feels even better. I really hate when people tell me I should stop wanting it, that when I stop looking for it, somehow it will miraculously find me. That's like saying I shouldn't look for a job, that I should not focus on it and just wait for one to find me. Yeah, doesn't really make sense in that context, does it? I'm not obsessed with love. And I certainly don't pursue it. I am just open to it, at all times. I keep trying. I just have an empty place in my heart that needs to be filled. And aren't we all entitled to love and be loved? Why shouldn't we be?

5. Did I ever tell you about when I lived with my sister and her husband in Roanoke? I was 16 years old. They had a killer stereo system in the living room of their farmhouse, and lots of LPs. Julie turned me on to Bruce Springsteen. None of my friends were listening to him at that time. She told me, with no small amount of reverence, how fans would follow him from concert to concert. I fell in love with his music, through Julie's love of his music, and later, when he started making music videos, I fell in love with him. That was during his sexy clean-cut "Dancing in the Dark" phase. So anyway, back to Roanoke. When I got home from school in the afternoons, I had the house to myself for several hours. First I'd make me a snack, then I might call my friends Kathleen and Laura and chat about what boys we liked and what we planned to do about it. Then I'd head to the living room for my own personal concert with Bruce. I'd put on "Born to Run" and start to sing - the speakers cranked loud enough to drown out the sound of my off-pitch voice. Imaginary microphone in hand, I'd move around the room and motion to my imaginary fans. But in the back of my mind was the exciting idea that perhaps somebody - preferably some guy I admired from afar - was watching me through the window. I liked the idea that they were seeing the real me - the me that was so different from the Shy Kristi everybody knew. Sounds strange to me now (can we say "exhibitionist?") but it felt so good back then - bittersweet, exciting, hopeful. I think it showed me the potential I had, the Real Kristi lurking beneath the surface of timid.

6. Two things I want to do:
1.) Take photos of all my favorite things, like my sugar bowl, framed signed DIFF posters and French press, and post them here.
2.) Go through my cedar chest and see what's there. It's been several years since I've done that and I've forgotten.

7. I love patios on a warm day. Whenever I see a restaurant or bar patio full of people and I can't stop and participate, I'm jealous. I feel like I'm missing out on something great. I like the social aspect of it, I think. Being outdoors, talking, laughing and drinking some cold beer with music playing in the background. Doesn't get much better than that for me. Unless there's dancing involved. Then THAT would be perfect.

8. This weird knot has come up in the palm of my right hand. It doesn't hurt, but everything I've read about what it could possibly be says eventually my fingers will curl up like a claw and become useless. Oh hurray. Old age just keeps getting better and better. How am I going to wipe my own ass if my hand is curled up like a claw? How am I going to...do...other stuff? I will just have to learn to use my left hand, I suppose. Could be much worse, I know.

9. Sometimes I miss my dog Easy. Even though she was a pain in my rear most of the time, she was a good companion to me. She was a good traveling dog - good thing, since she took some trips that most people would envy. She kayaked and camped on Clear Lake - elevation 10,000 feet - in the San Juan Mountains. She walked the streets of South Beach in Miami. She cooler-surfed on a tube down the Frio River in the Hill Country. She visited the Grand Canyon on a cross-country trip from Texas to California to Miami. It wasn't always "Easy" for her, but she preferred it to staying home. Sometimes I resent my ex for taking her from me, but then I remember that I actually begged him to take her and actually dropped her off at he and his wife's mini-ranch on my move to the Metroplex from Colorado. Oh well. She's in a much happier place now. She has her run of the farm and has established her reign as Queen Dog of the five pack. But still...I miss her.

10. This started out as 25 Random Thoughts, but I ran out of steam.