She comes to me today
Sits with me at the computer
Lays her sweet blonde head
Against my arm and cries
I don't know what's wrong
She says, her swimming eyes
Fixed on some invisible point
Beyond the edge of the desk
Can't sleep at night, she says
Feel dead inside, she says
Right here! clinched fist pressed
Into the hollow between
And just below her breast
The paleness of the skin
Contrasting with the blood
Blood red of her shirt and
I sit for a moment, watching
The blue veins of her hand
Mesmerized, almost, by their
Striking appearance beneath
The smooth, translucent wrap
But she pulls her hand away
Looks to me with blue-gray eyes
The very same eyes that stared
At me on the day she was born
Cuddling into my chest
Radiating love from every
Pore in her newborn body
Warming me from head to toe
Filling me with wonder-love
Now looking to me with
Questions I cannot answer
Darling, the past six months. . . .
Honey, when Lacey died. . . .
Baby, your sisters left home. . .
Sweetie, boyfriends fade away. . .
What do I say, say everything
Tell her not to fight it
Tell her to go with it
Advise her like the
Seasoned pro that I am
Brush her hair away from her cheek
Tuck long smooth strands
Behind her ear, marvel at the
Swirl of downy white hair
At the nape of her neck
And try not to cry. . .
Please, God, don't let her see me cry
Say nothing, nothing at all
I feel better now, she says
Just talking about it helps, she says
I nod, nod, somewhat relieved
Good! I say, with enthusiasm
I don't quite feel, remaining
Cautious, always cautious
Knowing anything is possible
Knowing life will steal the
Light from the brightest
Of the bluest-gray eyes
If they are left to swim alone
For Jessica
November 5, 2002
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
Sunday, April 24, 2011
Today As If Tomorrow
If I could only keep control
Of this and never give it up
What beautiful music I would make
With me and this computer
And this cell phone
Company, who needs anything more?
They wake me in the morning
With their cries and laughs
Banging doors and stomping feet
I pull the pillow down, down
Over my head but leave
Some space for them there
If I could only keep control
Of this and never give it up
Today as if tomorrow
Were just another day
And not an example of my success
I hold them and they smell so good
Like grass and candy, dirt and milk
Soft and squirmy chattering birds
Love, who needs anything more?
Of this and never give it up
What beautiful music I would make
With me and this computer
And this cell phone
Company, who needs anything more?
They wake me in the morning
With their cries and laughs
Banging doors and stomping feet
I pull the pillow down, down
Over my head but leave
Some space for them there
If I could only keep control
Of this and never give it up
Today as if tomorrow
Were just another day
And not an example of my success
I hold them and they smell so good
Like grass and candy, dirt and milk
Soft and squirmy chattering birds
Love, who needs anything more?
Thursday, February 17, 2011
Starting Over
Well, tomorrow I start over again. That's how I see it. I start a new job, a new (old) career. I wonder how many times I will have to start again. I know that I am the master of my destiny, more or less. I have made choices in my life that have led me to start over again and again. But still. I guess I'm just waiting and hoping, searching, for the final thing - the final job, the final relationship, the final house in the final city. Is that even possible for me? Would I be happy living a static life?
I was in Borders a couple of weeks ago with Ayden. It was twilight - the time of day I love the most. The evening commute was on, when folks with jobs get home from work, change into comfy clothes, feed the dog or cat, open a bottle of wine and decide what to have for supper. Ayden and I passed by a display of cookbooks. I glanced over at them and suddenly a sharp yearning hit me. I had a vision. I saw myself in the kitchen of my home - some house, somewhere in Dallas maybe. A vintage house, of course. The kitchen was large with an island in the middle, bar stools around, big uncovered windows looking out to a side yard of lush foliage. I was sitting at the island, thumbing through a cookbook, wine glass in hand. I could feel my contentment in that simple moment that to some may seem so ordinary. But it was not ordinary to me. Once upon a time, when my children were small, I had that life. I remember the green house the most - the big rambling ranch house by the river. The big kitchen with attached "keeping room" - so quaint and cozy, so comforting and sweet. I always cooked, in every house we ever lived in, but for some reason it's the green house I remember most. When the Borders vision faded, I wanted to browse through the cookbooks, but I didn't. That was not my life in the vision, not my kitchen nor my home. I still had a ways to go. I still do.
I was in Borders a couple of weeks ago with Ayden. It was twilight - the time of day I love the most. The evening commute was on, when folks with jobs get home from work, change into comfy clothes, feed the dog or cat, open a bottle of wine and decide what to have for supper. Ayden and I passed by a display of cookbooks. I glanced over at them and suddenly a sharp yearning hit me. I had a vision. I saw myself in the kitchen of my home - some house, somewhere in Dallas maybe. A vintage house, of course. The kitchen was large with an island in the middle, bar stools around, big uncovered windows looking out to a side yard of lush foliage. I was sitting at the island, thumbing through a cookbook, wine glass in hand. I could feel my contentment in that simple moment that to some may seem so ordinary. But it was not ordinary to me. Once upon a time, when my children were small, I had that life. I remember the green house the most - the big rambling ranch house by the river. The big kitchen with attached "keeping room" - so quaint and cozy, so comforting and sweet. I always cooked, in every house we ever lived in, but for some reason it's the green house I remember most. When the Borders vision faded, I wanted to browse through the cookbooks, but I didn't. That was not my life in the vision, not my kitchen nor my home. I still had a ways to go. I still do.
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
10 Random Thoughts
1. Can't believe I had to turn the A/C on last night when I went to bed. I couldn't sleep without it. I tried opening the door from my bedroom to the patio, but it was still too warm to sleep.
2. Why is it cloudy? Cloudy equals bad.Cloudy equals S.A.D.
3. Happiness is a habit that must be practiced for those of us who are not used to being happy. I think some people are just too deep for our own happiness. Unless we are taught at an early age how to deal with that depth, with the sorrows and fears and pain that come with feelings of empathy and sympathy and just complete and total inner and outer awareness, we are suffocated by the negative emotions. No fault of ours or anybody else. It's not about outside forces, really. Outside forces that make us unhappy can pretty much be changed. And if they can't, we can usually find a way to deal with it. Sometimes we deal with it in negative ways - through drugs, destructive relationships, over-eating, over-drinking, over-sexing, over-working, excessive everything. But there are better, healthier ways, like therapy and tapping into our Higher-Power-of-choice. Now if we're fortunate enough later in life to figure it all out and to learn how to recognize and accept happiness when we feel it, then I believe we have the potential to become the most effective, loving, influential people on the face of the earth. In some ways, I do have it all figured out, for myself. But I'm still working on making it a habit. I still have trouble recognizing happiness when it rubs my back and buys me dinner.
4. True Confession: I want to be in love. Being in love feels good and being loved feels even better. I really hate when people tell me I should stop wanting it, that when I stop looking for it, somehow it will miraculously find me. That's like saying I shouldn't look for a job, that I should not focus on it and just wait for one to find me. Yeah, doesn't really make sense in that context, does it? I'm not obsessed with love. And I certainly don't pursue it. I am just open to it, at all times. I keep trying. I just have an empty place in my heart that needs to be filled. And aren't we all entitled to love and be loved? Why shouldn't we be?
5. Did I ever tell you about when I lived with my sister and her husband in Roanoke? I was 16 years old. They had a killer stereo system in the living room of their farmhouse, and lots of LPs. Julie turned me on to Bruce Springsteen. None of my friends were listening to him at that time. She told me, with no small amount of reverence, how fans would follow him from concert to concert. I fell in love with his music, through Julie's love of his music, and later, when he started making music videos, I fell in love with him. That was during his sexy clean-cut "Dancing in the Dark" phase. So anyway, back to Roanoke. When I got home from school in the afternoons, I had the house to myself for several hours. First I'd make me a snack, then I might call my friends Kathleen and Laura and chat about what boys we liked and what we planned to do about it. Then I'd head to the living room for my own personal concert with Bruce. I'd put on "Born to Run" and start to sing - the speakers cranked loud enough to drown out the sound of my off-pitch voice. Imaginary microphone in hand, I'd move around the room and motion to my imaginary fans. But in the back of my mind was the exciting idea that perhaps somebody - preferably some guy I admired from afar - was watching me through the window. I liked the idea that they were seeing the real me - the me that was so different from the Shy Kristi everybody knew. Sounds strange to me now (can we say "exhibitionist?") but it felt so good back then - bittersweet, exciting, hopeful. I think it showed me the potential I had, the Real Kristi lurking beneath the surface of timid.
6. Two things I want to do:
1.) Take photos of all my favorite things, like my sugar bowl, framed signed DIFF posters and French press, and post them here.
2.) Go through my cedar chest and see what's there. It's been several years since I've done that and I've forgotten.
7. I love patios on a warm day. Whenever I see a restaurant or bar patio full of people and I can't stop and participate, I'm jealous. I feel like I'm missing out on something great. I like the social aspect of it, I think. Being outdoors, talking, laughing and drinking some cold beer with music playing in the background. Doesn't get much better than that for me. Unless there's dancing involved. Then THAT would be perfect.
8. This weird knot has come up in the palm of my right hand. It doesn't hurt, but everything I've read about what it could possibly be says eventually my fingers will curl up like a claw and become useless. Oh hurray. Old age just keeps getting better and better. How am I going to wipe my own ass if my hand is curled up like a claw? How am I going to...do...other stuff? I will just have to learn to use my left hand, I suppose. Could be much worse, I know.
9. Sometimes I miss my dog Easy. Even though she was a pain in my rear most of the time, she was a good companion to me. She was a good traveling dog - good thing, since she took some trips that most people would envy. She kayaked and camped on Clear Lake - elevation 10,000 feet - in the San Juan Mountains. She walked the streets of South Beach in Miami. She cooler-surfed on a tube down the Frio River in the Hill Country. She visited the Grand Canyon on a cross-country trip from Texas to California to Miami. It wasn't always "Easy" for her, but she preferred it to staying home. Sometimes I resent my ex for taking her from me, but then I remember that I actually begged him to take her and actually dropped her off at he and his wife's mini-ranch on my move to the Metroplex from Colorado. Oh well. She's in a much happier place now. She has her run of the farm and has established her reign as Queen Dog of the five pack. But still...I miss her.
10. This started out as 25 Random Thoughts, but I ran out of steam.
2. Why is it cloudy? Cloudy equals bad.Cloudy equals S.A.D.
3. Happiness is a habit that must be practiced for those of us who are not used to being happy. I think some people are just too deep for our own happiness. Unless we are taught at an early age how to deal with that depth, with the sorrows and fears and pain that come with feelings of empathy and sympathy and just complete and total inner and outer awareness, we are suffocated by the negative emotions. No fault of ours or anybody else. It's not about outside forces, really. Outside forces that make us unhappy can pretty much be changed. And if they can't, we can usually find a way to deal with it. Sometimes we deal with it in negative ways - through drugs, destructive relationships, over-eating, over-drinking, over-sexing, over-working, excessive everything. But there are better, healthier ways, like therapy and tapping into our Higher-Power-of-choice. Now if we're fortunate enough later in life to figure it all out and to learn how to recognize and accept happiness when we feel it, then I believe we have the potential to become the most effective, loving, influential people on the face of the earth. In some ways, I do have it all figured out, for myself. But I'm still working on making it a habit. I still have trouble recognizing happiness when it rubs my back and buys me dinner.
4. True Confession: I want to be in love. Being in love feels good and being loved feels even better. I really hate when people tell me I should stop wanting it, that when I stop looking for it, somehow it will miraculously find me. That's like saying I shouldn't look for a job, that I should not focus on it and just wait for one to find me. Yeah, doesn't really make sense in that context, does it? I'm not obsessed with love. And I certainly don't pursue it. I am just open to it, at all times. I keep trying. I just have an empty place in my heart that needs to be filled. And aren't we all entitled to love and be loved? Why shouldn't we be?
5. Did I ever tell you about when I lived with my sister and her husband in Roanoke? I was 16 years old. They had a killer stereo system in the living room of their farmhouse, and lots of LPs. Julie turned me on to Bruce Springsteen. None of my friends were listening to him at that time. She told me, with no small amount of reverence, how fans would follow him from concert to concert. I fell in love with his music, through Julie's love of his music, and later, when he started making music videos, I fell in love with him. That was during his sexy clean-cut "Dancing in the Dark" phase. So anyway, back to Roanoke. When I got home from school in the afternoons, I had the house to myself for several hours. First I'd make me a snack, then I might call my friends Kathleen and Laura and chat about what boys we liked and what we planned to do about it. Then I'd head to the living room for my own personal concert with Bruce. I'd put on "Born to Run" and start to sing - the speakers cranked loud enough to drown out the sound of my off-pitch voice. Imaginary microphone in hand, I'd move around the room and motion to my imaginary fans. But in the back of my mind was the exciting idea that perhaps somebody - preferably some guy I admired from afar - was watching me through the window. I liked the idea that they were seeing the real me - the me that was so different from the Shy Kristi everybody knew. Sounds strange to me now (can we say "exhibitionist?") but it felt so good back then - bittersweet, exciting, hopeful. I think it showed me the potential I had, the Real Kristi lurking beneath the surface of timid.
6. Two things I want to do:
1.) Take photos of all my favorite things, like my sugar bowl, framed signed DIFF posters and French press, and post them here.
2.) Go through my cedar chest and see what's there. It's been several years since I've done that and I've forgotten.
7. I love patios on a warm day. Whenever I see a restaurant or bar patio full of people and I can't stop and participate, I'm jealous. I feel like I'm missing out on something great. I like the social aspect of it, I think. Being outdoors, talking, laughing and drinking some cold beer with music playing in the background. Doesn't get much better than that for me. Unless there's dancing involved. Then THAT would be perfect.
8. This weird knot has come up in the palm of my right hand. It doesn't hurt, but everything I've read about what it could possibly be says eventually my fingers will curl up like a claw and become useless. Oh hurray. Old age just keeps getting better and better. How am I going to wipe my own ass if my hand is curled up like a claw? How am I going to...do...other stuff? I will just have to learn to use my left hand, I suppose. Could be much worse, I know.
9. Sometimes I miss my dog Easy. Even though she was a pain in my rear most of the time, she was a good companion to me. She was a good traveling dog - good thing, since she took some trips that most people would envy. She kayaked and camped on Clear Lake - elevation 10,000 feet - in the San Juan Mountains. She walked the streets of South Beach in Miami. She cooler-surfed on a tube down the Frio River in the Hill Country. She visited the Grand Canyon on a cross-country trip from Texas to California to Miami. It wasn't always "Easy" for her, but she preferred it to staying home. Sometimes I resent my ex for taking her from me, but then I remember that I actually begged him to take her and actually dropped her off at he and his wife's mini-ranch on my move to the Metroplex from Colorado. Oh well. She's in a much happier place now. She has her run of the farm and has established her reign as Queen Dog of the five pack. But still...I miss her.
10. This started out as 25 Random Thoughts, but I ran out of steam.
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
Randomness
I'm sitting at Starbucks watching all the interesting people coming in and out. Lots of good looking men. I look good but I should have dressed nicer. I should have dressed like I was either headed to or coming from the office. They wouldn't know the difference, right? And why shouldn't I play dress up? Why put myself in a box? Hmmm yes. You never know whom you might meet when you're out and about. I might run across my future employer, or future ex-boyfriend, so I should always dress the part.
I wonder how many of these couples are meeting for the first time.
I became very annoyed earlier by an elderly woman who was crowding me at the register. I wanted to elbow her out of my way. I think I need to get out of my house more.
This environment reminds me of DCC. I hear a timer going off on a coffee pot. The kids working behind the counter are laughing loudly. I always had to tell my staff that I wanted them to have a good time, but not at the expense of annoying the customers! But really I felt great knowing they loved being at work. Most of my 20+ employees enjoyed working there and became good friends outside of work.
I'm trying not to get my hopes up too much about this ad sales director job. I feel good about it though. I feel confident. Lots of good signs that are in my favor. In reality, I am EXCITED about it! Not just because it's a job, but because it's a job I'd really love to have! But I'm also trying to keep in mind that if I don't get it, there is a reason. God has something better planned for me.
Somebody please turn that timer off!
Half the kids and grandkids are coming over for dinner tonight. Spaghetti, bread, wine! I still need to buy the groceries.
A woman at the next table has spent the last 20 minutes telling her two friends about the latest events on The Bachelor! They keep telling her they don't care, but she won't shut up. I'm about to shut her up.
I told you, I need to get out more.
And that's all I have...but here are some Fun Fotos for you.
I wonder how many of these couples are meeting for the first time.
I became very annoyed earlier by an elderly woman who was crowding me at the register. I wanted to elbow her out of my way. I think I need to get out of my house more.
This environment reminds me of DCC. I hear a timer going off on a coffee pot. The kids working behind the counter are laughing loudly. I always had to tell my staff that I wanted them to have a good time, but not at the expense of annoying the customers! But really I felt great knowing they loved being at work. Most of my 20+ employees enjoyed working there and became good friends outside of work.
I'm trying not to get my hopes up too much about this ad sales director job. I feel good about it though. I feel confident. Lots of good signs that are in my favor. In reality, I am EXCITED about it! Not just because it's a job, but because it's a job I'd really love to have! But I'm also trying to keep in mind that if I don't get it, there is a reason. God has something better planned for me.
Somebody please turn that timer off!
Half the kids and grandkids are coming over for dinner tonight. Spaghetti, bread, wine! I still need to buy the groceries.
A woman at the next table has spent the last 20 minutes telling her two friends about the latest events on The Bachelor! They keep telling her they don't care, but she won't shut up. I'm about to shut her up.
I told you, I need to get out more.
And that's all I have...but here are some Fun Fotos for you.
 |
| One of my favorite pics of Tay and me - in a Dolores, CO saloon - summer, 2007. |
 |
| Jess, Tay and Glennie, carrying Ayden in his stroller at a castle in Aschaufenberg, Germany - March 2006. |
 |
| My best pair of fake-Uggs ever - only $10 at Rite Aid! |
 |
| My Easy dog driving Tay and I to Colorado. |
 |
| Tay in the empanada shop below our condo on Normandy Island in Miami Beach. |
 |
| Me, Ayden, Brad and Kendal (and Ava in her belly) at Joe T. Garcia's. |
 |
| Steph and I in California - May 2007. |
 |
| Jes and Ayden on his first birthday. |
Sunday, January 16, 2011
Good Night of Lost Desires
I had a wonderful weekend in spite of the dreary Texas weather. I spent Friday night hanging out with friends. On Saturday, I spent time with Taylor, Brett, Dylan and Zayne, which allowed me to be present for Dylan's very first perfectly spoken sentence: "No, I'm not!" She said that in response to me asking if she was a daddy's girl (which she is). At first she said, "No!" then I said, "Yes, you are!" And then she said the sentence. So much fun! Today I slept late after drugging myself last night on Ibuprofen and a sleeping pill (I was desperate to sleep.) Then I headed over to Steph and Mike's for take-out Babe's chicken and a movie. More grandbaby fun ensued with Hunter, Dylan and Zayne (which ended with them beating me with plastic bowling pins as I left out the front door), and all the kids were there but Brad and his family. Now I am home in my cozy warm house, listening to music and to the static in my brain and in my heart.
Speaking of a staticky heart, this is what's on my mind today.....
I have spent the last two weeks in semi-seclusion, contemplating my life and the state of my personal world. I don't necessarily feel like I'm on a precipice, ready to fall or be saved like I usually do in times of crisis. No, I've been there. I know what that feels like. These days I feel more like I'm floating in the ocean, calm and serene, the sun beating warmly on my body. I'm a little lost, a tiny bit anxious, not sure where the tide will take me. But it's nice there in the water, floating on my back with my bare toes pointing to heaven. I am a master floater, after all, and feel very comfortable and peaceful in the water. I have no fear at all.
And in all this floating, the following question has popped out of the water and remained unanswered beside me. So I must explore it now.
Tell me, how does a person like myself give up a desire of their heart? Especially when this desire is something consecrated and approved of by God and God's word? I'm starting to feel like giving it up is the only thing left for me to do. If I don't find a way to give it up and not need it, want it, yearn for it anymore, I'm afraid I will continue to be vulnerable and open to heartache. And no, I do not want to give it up because it is, you know, a desire of my heart. I will not go gentle into that good night of lost desires. To be very honest, I will go kicking and screaming.
My confusion here lies mostly in the "whys." Why not? Why this and that? Why did I? Why did you? Why, God, why? I've heard all the standard replies before. In fact, I pronounce them to myself on a regular basis in a droning inner voice like Ben Stein in "Ferris Bueller's Day Off": "Kristi. Kristi. Don't ask why. Just have faith. Give it to God. Kristi. Kristi." etc.
My counselor in Colorado, Jo (who I thank God for every day) told me many times that I am one of the most self-aware and introspective people she has ever met. I usually analyzed myself before our appointments and spent most of our hours together relating those analyzations to her and getting her confirmation and nodding approval. I've done lots of work on "me" in the past five years, and the only true baggage I have left is the little bit I've picked up on my journey to now. So yes, I believe the only thing left to do is give up, release it from my heart into the wild unknown.
Just writing that and thinking about it, makes me cry. It makes my chest hurt. I only want what I want, the same as I give, and that cannot be harmful to anybody. But here I lie, in the ocean, my arms flung wide and rocking with the soft waves. I see the blue sky and some small white clouds and a bird gliding in the breeze. The water is warm and clear and if I turn over I can see the bottom of the ocean.
Calm. Peaceful. Serene.
And yet I still don't know why. I'm still not ready. My heart is full of static.
I'm just floating.
Speaking of a staticky heart, this is what's on my mind today.....
I have spent the last two weeks in semi-seclusion, contemplating my life and the state of my personal world. I don't necessarily feel like I'm on a precipice, ready to fall or be saved like I usually do in times of crisis. No, I've been there. I know what that feels like. These days I feel more like I'm floating in the ocean, calm and serene, the sun beating warmly on my body. I'm a little lost, a tiny bit anxious, not sure where the tide will take me. But it's nice there in the water, floating on my back with my bare toes pointing to heaven. I am a master floater, after all, and feel very comfortable and peaceful in the water. I have no fear at all.
And in all this floating, the following question has popped out of the water and remained unanswered beside me. So I must explore it now.
Tell me, how does a person like myself give up a desire of their heart? Especially when this desire is something consecrated and approved of by God and God's word? I'm starting to feel like giving it up is the only thing left for me to do. If I don't find a way to give it up and not need it, want it, yearn for it anymore, I'm afraid I will continue to be vulnerable and open to heartache. And no, I do not want to give it up because it is, you know, a desire of my heart. I will not go gentle into that good night of lost desires. To be very honest, I will go kicking and screaming.
My confusion here lies mostly in the "whys." Why not? Why this and that? Why did I? Why did you? Why, God, why? I've heard all the standard replies before. In fact, I pronounce them to myself on a regular basis in a droning inner voice like Ben Stein in "Ferris Bueller's Day Off": "Kristi. Kristi. Don't ask why. Just have faith. Give it to God. Kristi. Kristi." etc.
My counselor in Colorado, Jo (who I thank God for every day) told me many times that I am one of the most self-aware and introspective people she has ever met. I usually analyzed myself before our appointments and spent most of our hours together relating those analyzations to her and getting her confirmation and nodding approval. I've done lots of work on "me" in the past five years, and the only true baggage I have left is the little bit I've picked up on my journey to now. So yes, I believe the only thing left to do is give up, release it from my heart into the wild unknown.
Just writing that and thinking about it, makes me cry. It makes my chest hurt. I only want what I want, the same as I give, and that cannot be harmful to anybody. But here I lie, in the ocean, my arms flung wide and rocking with the soft waves. I see the blue sky and some small white clouds and a bird gliding in the breeze. The water is warm and clear and if I turn over I can see the bottom of the ocean.
Calm. Peaceful. Serene.
And yet I still don't know why. I'm still not ready. My heart is full of static.
I'm just floating.
Saturday, January 15, 2011
Clear As Day
I feel surprisingly calm these days. I am not worried. I do try to go there, especially in the middle of the night when I wake at 3 am and can't go back to sleep. That's my usual "worry time" - when all of life's problems real and imagined bombard my brain. I try to go there, but it doesn't work. I merely shrug (or the mental equivalent thereof) and move on to something else.
Yes, I feel calm, like I'm on the verge of something big. Not sure exactly what that is, but I just sense it. I feel like any day I will wake up, and all the answers will be before me, clear as day.
Perhaps tomorrow will be The Day.
Yes, I feel calm, like I'm on the verge of something big. Not sure exactly what that is, but I just sense it. I feel like any day I will wake up, and all the answers will be before me, clear as day.
Perhaps tomorrow will be The Day.
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
In Search of Outside Influences
My motivation sucks.
I just need to get that out in the open.
Apparently, there are certain "outside influences" that have to be in place before I am motivated to do anything productive. I'm not sure exactly what those outside influences are, so I guess that's the problem
Even writing this little bit makes me want to puke. I want to go back to the couch. Oh lord.
Ok, everyone, please bear with me while I do some train-of-thought writing here. It's a great writing exercise that usually works when all else fails. Some of my best stuff has come out of train-of-thought.
Here goes....
Blah, blah, blah. Mushy brain. One extreme to the other. Josh Kelley. This music reminds me of the house on 3rd Avenue. I didn't live there very long, but for some reason I have lots of fond memories of that house, most of which are triggered by music. I think I am missing snow. I always felt like snow was therapeutic to me. I can't really explain why, and most people think I'm crazy for loving it so much. But I love extremes of all kinds. I am happiest when things in my life are not static. That doesn't mean I love chaos, I prefer to think of it as not willing to settle for the norm or for standing still. I want to be ever-changing and growing and improving, as a person, and I want my life to be the same. I like to live for the day, in a sense. I know I could be gone tomorrow or next week or next month - anything can happen. So why waste my life away working a job that is killing me or being with someone who does not appreciate me and love me for everything that I am? I guess that's why I'm where I am today, right here, right now. Never willing to settle.
And more blah, blah, blah. Funny how my brain just hits these walls of nothing. Just blanks. I'll be rolling along and then, nothing.
I'll try again later.
But in the meantime, here are some random photos that I found on my computer, for your viewing pleasure.
I just need to get that out in the open.
Apparently, there are certain "outside influences" that have to be in place before I am motivated to do anything productive. I'm not sure exactly what those outside influences are, so I guess that's the problem
Even writing this little bit makes me want to puke. I want to go back to the couch. Oh lord.
Ok, everyone, please bear with me while I do some train-of-thought writing here. It's a great writing exercise that usually works when all else fails. Some of my best stuff has come out of train-of-thought.
Here goes....
Blah, blah, blah. Mushy brain. One extreme to the other. Josh Kelley. This music reminds me of the house on 3rd Avenue. I didn't live there very long, but for some reason I have lots of fond memories of that house, most of which are triggered by music. I think I am missing snow. I always felt like snow was therapeutic to me. I can't really explain why, and most people think I'm crazy for loving it so much. But I love extremes of all kinds. I am happiest when things in my life are not static. That doesn't mean I love chaos, I prefer to think of it as not willing to settle for the norm or for standing still. I want to be ever-changing and growing and improving, as a person, and I want my life to be the same. I like to live for the day, in a sense. I know I could be gone tomorrow or next week or next month - anything can happen. So why waste my life away working a job that is killing me or being with someone who does not appreciate me and love me for everything that I am? I guess that's why I'm where I am today, right here, right now. Never willing to settle.
And more blah, blah, blah. Funny how my brain just hits these walls of nothing. Just blanks. I'll be rolling along and then, nothing.
I'll try again later.
But in the meantime, here are some random photos that I found on my computer, for your viewing pleasure.
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| Crazy night in San Antonio - Feb. 2007. That guy Glennie was stationed with in Germany (can't remember his name but his ex-wife's name is Essie!), Bill, Jess, Lacey and Tay. |
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| Hanging out in a mountain meadow near Dunton, CO. - Sept. 2007 |
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| My sweet boy Bradley back in the day - 2002 or 2003. |
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| Steph, Tay and I (and some very red lipstick) - fall 1996 - Crockett, TX |
Monday, January 10, 2011
Like A Slow Drip
I just realized that I've been avoiding this journal like the plague. I spent the last 36 hours doing absolutely nothing at all except merely thinking about writing, every now and again. I also spent a lot of time on the couch watching terrible TV and considering the absolute bullshit that is my life right now. The weather on Sunday was (sort of but not really) snowy and very, very cold, which made for a great day to stay inside, curled up on the couch with my blankie and some hot tea. I slept until almost noon. Yes, I did. But then again, I stayed out until 2:00 am the night before so I guess I was entitled.
Speaking of staying out until the wee hours of the morning, I proved to myself yet again that taking chances and stepping outside of my comfort zone can lead to fun and glorious results. On Saturday night, I dragged myself off said comfy couch, showered up, made myself pretty and sexy, and drove downtown to Sundance Square at 10:00 pm to meet some friends. I didn't know for sure if anyone would be there that I knew, and in fact, I did not even know the person organizing the event, outside of Facebook. But I was hoping for the best.
Sure, it would have been so much easier to stay at home. I almost did. But then, I didn't. And I'm so glad, because I had a great time dancing, drinking, talking, laughing and taking drags off cigarettes which I did not inhale.
So anyway, today I've been thinking about faith. I have always had a lot of faith in God. I've believed in the power of prayer and felt comforted by the idea that my God is always on my side. In the past five years, I've learned to love myself the way that God loves me - in all my imperfections (according to the world) and my weird abstract thinking and my love of dancing and parties. In fact, I realized that God made me as I am, and regardless of what "man" might say, I am awesome. That epiphany really freed me up, to not only love myself but to allow others to love me too. And I am most effective in this world when my love flows free, both to me and away from me, like the ebbs and flows of the ocean tide.
My faith is also like the tide. Sometimes it's stronger, sometimes it's weak. Like now. I confess that today my faith is more like a slow drip of water from a kitchen faucet than a raging tide. Today, I have no faith at all that my prayers will be answered. Today, I feel like I am in this alone, that my fate and destiny are purely up to me. Today, I don't feel that I am being guided by a higher power. I believe I am reaping all the seeds of poor choices that I have sown over the years and will be for as long as I am here.
Hey, I'm just being honest. Tomorrow may be different. Tonight, my God may show me a sign, some miracle message that I cannot deny, and I will wake in the morning feeling awash in an ocean of faith. Maybe not.
But one thing I do know for sure, is that nothing is forever. Feelings change, life changes. And in there, somewhere, my faith remains.
Speaking of staying out until the wee hours of the morning, I proved to myself yet again that taking chances and stepping outside of my comfort zone can lead to fun and glorious results. On Saturday night, I dragged myself off said comfy couch, showered up, made myself pretty and sexy, and drove downtown to Sundance Square at 10:00 pm to meet some friends. I didn't know for sure if anyone would be there that I knew, and in fact, I did not even know the person organizing the event, outside of Facebook. But I was hoping for the best.
Sure, it would have been so much easier to stay at home. I almost did. But then, I didn't. And I'm so glad, because I had a great time dancing, drinking, talking, laughing and taking drags off cigarettes which I did not inhale.
So anyway, today I've been thinking about faith. I have always had a lot of faith in God. I've believed in the power of prayer and felt comforted by the idea that my God is always on my side. In the past five years, I've learned to love myself the way that God loves me - in all my imperfections (according to the world) and my weird abstract thinking and my love of dancing and parties. In fact, I realized that God made me as I am, and regardless of what "man" might say, I am awesome. That epiphany really freed me up, to not only love myself but to allow others to love me too. And I am most effective in this world when my love flows free, both to me and away from me, like the ebbs and flows of the ocean tide.
My faith is also like the tide. Sometimes it's stronger, sometimes it's weak. Like now. I confess that today my faith is more like a slow drip of water from a kitchen faucet than a raging tide. Today, I have no faith at all that my prayers will be answered. Today, I feel like I am in this alone, that my fate and destiny are purely up to me. Today, I don't feel that I am being guided by a higher power. I believe I am reaping all the seeds of poor choices that I have sown over the years and will be for as long as I am here.
Hey, I'm just being honest. Tomorrow may be different. Tonight, my God may show me a sign, some miracle message that I cannot deny, and I will wake in the morning feeling awash in an ocean of faith. Maybe not.
But one thing I do know for sure, is that nothing is forever. Feelings change, life changes. And in there, somewhere, my faith remains.
Friday, January 7, 2011
The Next Five Years
I often feel like my life began after I moved to Colorado from Texas five years ago.
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| Taylor and I at Mesa Verde in May 2006. |
Just now, I made a list of subjects and personal experiences that I can write about and hopefully sell to various magazines and other publications, and without fail they all took place when I lived in Colorado or during my odyssey to Colorado.
Don't get me wrong, I lived quite a full life in the years before Colorado - raising my children on various ranches across Texas, owning a newspaper, opening a coffeehouse. But I wrote about those things back then, and I guess my inspiration there was spent. I am also a different woman now, and it's hard for me to relate to the person I was back then.
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| Sullivan Street Coffee House & Bistro |
Anyway, I am starting this new year off with plenty of hope and faith that the next five years will be just as fulfilling, memorable, fun and print-worthy as the past five. I am also launching into a new adventure in writing and hoping to make a living at it again. I need this creativity. It's what I was born to do. And so it's time to pursue it again for real.
But writing is also a habit that must be exercised. After many months of left-brain thinking, I need to get the right-side up and functioning again. I must use it and use it often.
Maybe some of you would like to help me in this process. Here are some of my writing subjects. Let me know if you'd like to read about any of them, and I will get started! The final products will be posted here on my blog.
-First Trip to Vegas
-Flagstaff, AZ
-Cross-Country with Taylor
-Salida, CO River Festival
-Empty-Nest Syndrome
-Texan Living in Colorado
-The Grandbaby Bond
-Divorce is Never Easy
-What I've Learned About Friends
Thanks everyone!!!
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