Like A Slow Drip

I just realized that I've been avoiding this journal like the plague. I spent the last 36 hours doing absolutely nothing at all except merely thinking about writing, every now and again. I also spent a lot of time on the couch watching terrible TV and considering the absolute bullshit that is my life right now. The weather on Sunday was (sort of but not really) snowy and very, very cold, which made for a great day to stay inside, curled up on the couch with my blankie and some hot tea. I slept until almost noon. Yes, I did. But then again, I stayed out until 2:00 am the night before so I guess I was entitled.

Speaking of staying out until the wee hours of the morning, I proved to myself yet again that taking chances and stepping outside of my comfort zone can lead to fun and glorious results. On Saturday night, I dragged myself off said comfy couch, showered up, made myself pretty and sexy, and drove downtown to Sundance Square at 10:00 pm to meet some friends. I didn't know for sure if anyone would be there that I knew, and in fact, I did not even know the person organizing the event, outside of Facebook. But I was hoping for the best.

Sure, it would have been so much easier to stay at home. I almost did. But then, I didn't. And I'm so glad, because I had a great time dancing, drinking, talking, laughing and taking drags off cigarettes which I did not inhale.

So anyway, today I've been thinking about faith. I have always had a lot of faith in God. I've believed in the power of prayer and felt comforted by the idea that my God is always on my side. In the past five years, I've learned to love myself the way that God loves me - in all my imperfections (according to the world) and my weird abstract thinking and my love of dancing and parties. In fact, I realized that God made me as I am, and regardless of what "man" might say, I am awesome. That epiphany really freed me up, to not only love myself but to allow others to love me too. And I am most effective in this world when my love flows free, both to me and away from me, like the ebbs and flows of the ocean tide.

My faith is also like the tide. Sometimes it's stronger, sometimes it's weak. Like now. I confess that today my faith is more like a slow drip of water from a kitchen faucet than a raging tide. Today, I have no faith at all that my prayers will be answered. Today, I feel like I am in this alone, that my fate and destiny are purely up to me. Today, I don't feel that I am being guided by a higher power. I believe I am reaping all the seeds of poor choices that I have sown over the years and will be for as long as I am here.

Hey, I'm just being honest. Tomorrow may be different. Tonight, my God may show me a sign, some miracle message that I cannot deny, and I will wake in the morning feeling awash in an ocean of faith. Maybe not.

But one thing I do know for sure, is that nothing is forever. Feelings change, life changes. And in there, somewhere, my faith remains.